Noah Dougan sent a Letter to the Editor to the Daily Sitka Sentinel and the Sentinel could have and should have printed the letter the same day they received it. But they didn’t! Why not? Because the Sentinel has never taken this pandemic —the most scariest thing of all most scariest things in the universe—seriously. Since this virus exploded into existence, the Sentinel has only published three or four terrifying articles in every edition of its daily newspaper. If they took this thing—the most scariest thing of all most scariest things in the history of the universe—seriously, they would have printed no less than one terrifying article per page with two terrifying articles per page on Fridays to remind us to be especially scared over the weekend so people won’t do terrifying things like look each other in the eye, smile, spend time with friends, go to church, sing out loud, or enjoy family dinners.
Shame on the Sitka Sentinel!
To be fair, the Sentinel has done a stellar job of not printing garbage Letters to the Editor including three letters that I sent to the Sentinel. Why won’t the Sentinel print my letters? “Because there’s a pandemic!”
My letters foolishly asked readers to consider the foolish possibility that maybe the same industry that profits from our healthy fear while raking in billions with pharmaceutical drugs might foolishly do the same thing with safe and effective vaccines. Utterly foolish! Everyone knows they would never do such a foolish thing because everyone knows that vaccines save lives! Always have, always will! Pregnant moms? Of course! Premies? All the better! Immunocompromised? Yes! Yes! Yes! Even non-vaccine vaccines? Especially non-vaccine vaccines! Even non-vaccine vaccines that have injured and killed more people than all other vaccines in the last 32 years? Stop asking questions! Vaccines save lives!
Shame on me for forgetting!
Thank you, Sitka Sentinel, for keeping Sitkans safe from foolish people like me! Now step up your game and print Noah Dougan’s letter like yesterday!
Following is Noah’s Letter:
Dear Editor: 28 fresh cases in 2 days! I’m Freaking out!!! It’s time we started to take this thing seriously. I’m looking forward to more mandates in 2022. THE DO’S: Consider mask stacking, wearing 4 masks at a time. Look in the mirror before you leave home. Can you see any skin? If so, you are doing it wrong. Use the very top button on your shirt, the one that chokes you. Make sure the shirt is tucked into the pants snugly. Cinch up your belt until it hurts, otherwise the virus can enter the lower torso region. Tuck the bottom of your pants into your socks to eliminate southern exposure. Make sure to walk swiftly when outdoors, fresh air is the enemy! When indoors, find something to hide underneath, like a table or bed. Don’t doddle about and fraternize with others, especially friends and family. Everyone must be considered a superspreader. Eye contact is a no-no. Disinfect everything. Talk to your doctor about weekly boosters. THE DON’TS: Remember not to use critical thinking. Don’t forget that ALL people who have earned a college degree, especially a doctorate are smarter than you and therefore you must do everything they say because of college. Don’t ever, ever listen to your gut feeling about anything. Do not let anyone talk you out of your fear, a healthy anxiety is absolutely key to fighting this thing. Remember to stay weak and ask no questions.
Sincerely,
Your Friend And Neighbor,
Noah Dougan
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Brett Wilcox is a husband, parent, grandparent, and author of three books:
My new year’s resolution was to stop reading the Sitka Sentinel. I’ve been happier ever since.
I’d be happier as well, but I keep it around to see if they’re libeling my name again.